30th April 2016

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As I am enjoying the adventure to shrink my genitalia to quite alarming proportions by immersing myself in rat wee invested freezing water so much. I have decided to take this to a National level. The intention is to swim in 5 different outdoor locations over a week. Measuring the cleanliness of each one by how long I suffer man flu symptoms for afterwards.

The National Rat Wee Swimming Road show continued on Tuesday at a lake codenamed ‘Carolines’ in Yorkshire – if I told you where it was I would have to kill you. I manged 25 minutes before I assumed a pike had chewed off my toes and fingers. Was a really picturesque lake in a gorgeous location teaming with wildlife and ducks swimming next to me – beautiful.

Is there likely to be more or less rat pee in a still lake with lots of wildlife or a city centre dock devoid of wildlife but regularly flushed out by the river Aire? The uncontrollable shaking lasted an hour or so after ‘Carolines’. Although the running nose, eyes and sneezing lasted for 48 hours. Twice as long as it did after swimming in Leeds Dock.

Last night was a quarry in Derby with fellow Coast Busters Amy Taylor & Kenny Skelton. Beautiful setting again and this time frequented by a load of scuba divers who were definitely better dressed than us. Swaddled head to toe in neoprene. Bit weird having scuba divers swimming below you, like monsters in the deep.

I have been wondering how you can tell if you are getting hypothermic whilst in the water. Apparently hallucinating and not being able to talk coherently are the common signs. So we manged 30 minutes in the lake, constantly looking out for surfing mermaids and 10 foot tall urinating rats whilst chatting away.

Nearly 24 hours later and no man flu symptoms after the quarry, which puts it at the bottom of the national rat wee swimming league.

Next on the list is the River Trent. I assume we aren’t supposed to swim in it which has become the norm now. However, I have never swam in anything with a current before so should be interesting. What could possibly go wrong?